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Monday, September 15th, 2008
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11:08 am
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I could be having the worst end of a year possible, but what I need to continually remind myself of is that I made major break throughs with putting my name out there this year.
I followed several dates on several tours and shot some really huge bands/artists this year.
While, John Mayer took up a huge bulk of that this year, wallet wise(LOL) he's someone that I don't feel I will ever be able to really GO on tour with...
So this year, this year I owe everything to Anthony Green and RiotSquad.
Chicago completely changed my life, it changed my confidence level as a photographer.
I really could never thank Anthony enough for what his music has given to me.
I can tattoo my body with his albums and lyrics until I don't have a single inch of canvas left and it will never be thanks enough for giving me the gift of faith in myself again.
Avalon made and molded my summer. Everytime I need reminding, all I have to do is listen, relive and relook.
Thanks for one hell of a fucking tour Anthony.
And seriously, it hasn't even happened yet, but thank you for giving me these last two dates before Circa goes into hiding to record. You have NO idea how much I need them right now.
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| Friday, June 20th, 2008
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9:44 am - You can call it, a summer awakening
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Maybe it's due to the first day of summer that I feel like a fire has been lit under my ass to get the ball rolling on certain aspects of my life, but I still feel ripped apart on the inside. Maybe it's confusion, that whole 'say one thing, do another'. But for the life of me, I can't comprehend the actions of the people around me.
Criticism. For starters, I will always be my own worst critic. The last thing I need more of, is judgment. I am hard enough on myself, even on my best days. I make my decisions for me, and the last thing I need, is someone that is supposed to care about me throwing their opinions in my face. I made the decisions I did, for my future, a long time ago. You don't live within this skin, don't you dare try to pretend you understand what it's like to be me. I have my own ways of dealing with my demons, I really don't need ANYONE trying to put them in place.
Liars. What is with me and being a magnet for people that can lie through their teeth? Here is your summer project, try on the truth for size. Walk a few weeks in the shoes of a person who doesn't use, lie, cheat, manipulate, and tell me what it feels like. Tell me how it feels to have the people you care about, who you would give the world to, lie pretty much about everything you thought you knew about them. And for what? What did you really gain from it? I don't want to hear your bullshit about how I misunderstood, or about how people are crazy, about how people are jealous, admit the fact that you are a selfish fucking LIAR. The moral of this paragraph is, you NEVER deserved to have someone like me in your life. You should feel incredibly fucking blessed that you got the chance to know a person as pure hearted as I am. Because from here on out, you are no longer a piece of my puzzle.
Love. I feel like over the last few years I have given my love to so many of the wrong people, and right now, living within this moment, I finally feel truly content w the minimal few that I share it with. I feel completely overwhelmed with the feeling I have each day when I hear his voice. I feel like I am finally doing something right. For all the hardships I have faced over the last five years, I am finally being given a chance to experience something true. Truth is few and far between these days, and while yes, everyone has their set backs, I feel sometimes, truth can out weigh everything else. Because what really is life, if it is all lies?
You know, the same lies where you tell me you love me. You love me, yet you continually lie to me. You make me look like the bad guy. I will not be the bad guy at your expense. I will not be made a fool of. I'm not the bad guy for not being able to hold on by a thread to a complete and total lie. My airfare to start over would be completely paid for if I hadn't thrown away months of my life on you. And that, that's the icing on the cake of it all. I sacrificed. I invested all I had in you. Money, love, faith…and for what…what do I really have to show for it? One fucking picture. I put in all the effort, but that's really no surprise. That's the story of my life really, give until there is nothing left.
I feel as if this is the make or break point in my life. It's my last chance at salvation. I, for the first time in my life, am putting everything on the back burner in hopes of my dreams. I feel like I need to get all of this out of my system before I reach that point where I feel the need to 'hang up my skates' and settle down. I want to travel, I want to do all the things I made promises to myself of achieving. I want to make it back to Hawaii. I want to see my family before it's been twenty years. I want to go on tour and lose all sense of responsibility just to say, I did it. I let myself live my dream, check that off the list. I want to put everything I have inside me into getting published. I want to fall hopelessly in love with the nice guy, for once in my freakin life. I can't stop chasing the thoughts around in circles in my head, because what happens when we stop chasing?
Where does life go when there is nothing to be achieved? There is so much at my fingertips right now. I feel as if I've reached the point in my life where I have the most drive to do this. Screw life, screw responsibility. I grew up at 13, I raised a family so my parents could go their separate ways. When is it really ever going to be my turn to have a dream? I don't care how laughable it is to want this. I don't care how childish my dreams may seem to my parents. I have talent and I feel as if this is written in stone for me. I'm going to chase until I achieve it all.
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| Wednesday, May 28th, 2008
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8:55 am - maybe one of your stupid gullible girlfriends will find this
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You should all just know that I maintained a some what form of a relationship...friendlationship...whatever, with your boyfriend since I spent my birthday with him back in December.
He has said several times to me that I should move to Florida so we can be together everyday...
You need to realize that he is a scumbag liar, because it's taken me well over a year to come to terms with that.
He will tell you that I'm crazy/jealous, because he says the same things to me about you.
I'm just over settling for less than what I deserve.
And I'm over treating him like gold when he doesn't give a damn about me.
Because if he did, I wouldn't be writing this, and I would have been told the truth.
Btw, just incase you are reading this, we are so over, and I would like for you to keep your pathetic ass out of my fucking life for good.
I think it's pretty safe to say that I went from loving you, to damn near hating you.
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| Tuesday, May 20th, 2008
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11:22 am
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I think it puzzles some people as to why I would drive 1700 miles in a 60 hour time frame for a band...when I'm sick and run down.
But then I look at it as, these people, they don't understand my connection to music, and what it does for me.
Some people have god and religion, I have music.
Music is my religion. It is my faith in everything that I had close to my heart.
Anthony Green earned that 1700 mile trip...what his writing, his music, his band has done for me, I don't have the words or the mulititude of gratitude within me to put into words. I don't believe it would be possible for me to convey.
But go here...
http://circasurvive.com/creation/?p=256#comments
And read that.
Especially...
i’ve been really surprised almost every night by how much more lively and positive the audience appears to be. Singing with me so loud- maybe im crazy or something but i’ve never felt so much support from you all– its frightening. we love music so much and performing and that is by no means conditional, but its really cool to have so many artist, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters,sons and daughters bringing so much energy and passion to the shows- the way i see we re all artist, and each of our greatest creations is our lives but we re never finished- and like a song or a painting we create our life a step at a time , and it becomes the result of our decisions- you make it what you want. and you can always change it at any step- make it brighter or darker or heavy or lighter-
Soren kierkegaard said” its so hard to believe because its so hard to obey”. but i truly do believe you reap what you sow and that brings me joy- thanks again for reading and coming out to see the shows and sharing in this experience with us -
I honestly can't wait for August and this solo album and the tour that will come along with it.
Chicago photos are slowly creeping their way onto myspace. Give me time with this one...I took over 400 photos and I've been sick for over a week now...so my energy level hasn't come back yet.
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| Monday, May 12th, 2008
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8:42 am
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So friday night kicked my ass/changed my life in such a big way that I feel like I am left wanting more...
Anyone want to drive to Chicago with me Friday to see Pelican/Circa Survive and Thrice saturday at the Metro?
I can't even believe I just typed that...
Pictures from friday to be posted on leannemayer.com shortly.
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| Friday, May 2nd, 2008
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9:05 am
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I am so angry/upset/disappointed with you that I cried myself to sleep last night.
I had to take a vicodin just to be able to turn off my head and rest.
This weekend is something I have been looking forward to for almost half a fuckin year now...and you want to know if I'm excited?
Yeah I am so fucking excited that you dicked me the fuck over for tonight.
I am also so excited that you're so busy being a stupid selfish bitch, LIKE ALWAYS, that you don't even know what is going on in my life right now.
Like how my grandmother DIED on saturday and you are supposed to be my best friend on the face of this fucking earth.
When you get your head out of your girlfriends "word I wont use, but should use", maybe give me a call so I can tell you all the shit that has gone wrong in my life, so you can be like "well yeah, i have no money"
Because BOO FUCKING HOO OVER YOUR SAD FUCKING PATHETIC LIFE.
Go buy another pair of designer sunglasses and fall off the face of the earth, out of my fucking life for good.
I'm so upset. I'm so angry. I want to break things, but I couldn't even see straight if I tried because i can't stop crying.
What the fuck does the term "best friend" even mean to people anymore???
You get a relationship, and suddenly I'm sitting out on the porch with the rest of your trash that you don't have time to move to the curb.
You are all such fuckin hypocrits and I'm so sick of keeping my mouth such to not hurt your feelings.
FUCK YOUR FEELINGS.
It's not like you give a rats fucking ass about mine.
This weekend is going to be terrific. I'm going to end up breaking someone's face.
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| Monday, April 28th, 2008
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8:48 am
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I find irony in friendship lately.
I find that friendship becomes harder to posess the older I get.
I find that I trust in all the wrong people and love in all the wrong places.
It has to change, before I destroy myself.
My grandmother, my mothers mother, passed away saturday night.
From complications of AIDS and Lung Cancer.
I don't feel that I have the right to be upset over it, as I have been estranged from her since I was about 9 years old.
But all I can do is cry.
Cry over how much she ruined my childhood and how for so many years I wanted nothing to do w her for ruining our lives.
I feel that karma caught up with her, but no matter the person, I would never wish that type of death upon anyone.
Not even someone I blame for the serious amount of issues I have in my life, as well as my mother and sisters.
I want to be there for my uncle.
He shouldn't have to do this alone, he shouldn't have to pay for his mothers mistakes.
I can't reach out to people anymore.
I shouldn't have to.
Friendship shouldnt have to be about when things go wrong you are there.
There are very few people I speak to on a daily basis anymore.
And there are far less people I will have in my life by the time this year is over.
For what it's worth, none of this is meant to be bitter or hateful.
I'm just sick an tired of being sick and tired of how people treat me.
RIP Mom Mom. I can't say that I take anything from what your life taught me other than drugs and alcohol can turn people into monsters and ruin families. I hope you are at peace.
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| Saturday, April 19th, 2008
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12:20 am - is it me?
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The more I start to breakdown and analyze certain things in my life, the more it has become vivid to me that I have this curse for attracting unavailable men....
Or maybe I'm just attracted to them, I don't understand it.
Because in the long run, unavailabilty does not work in line with what I want for my future...
So what gives?
Either they emotionally are not stable to have a relationship, they are physically with someone else, or they are just too unbelievably immature to handle commitment or loyalty.
I don't get it.
For the last few years(I'm going to use the term 'few' lightly here, so throw me a bone) every single guy that I have dated or had relations with, has been unavailble to be with me AND ONLY ME, in some way shape or form.
Here is what I don't get about that. I am a no bullshit person. I am upfront about everything I want, and everything I am looking for in a relationship, so why are these guys getting involved w someone who clearly wants things they can't live up to?
Why if they have a girlfriend are they out looking for me, trying to be with me?
Why if you have someone that makes you so happy do you even need me in your life?
Am I a conquest?
Do I matter that little?
I really just don't understand it.
I don't understand why I can't break this cycle....
I don't stand why everyone always has something they want from me...when do I get something in return?
Why can't I just cut you loose? Why can't I just get over you and move on?
Why can't I just let my heart be open and known to the one true person that values me, inside out?
Why can't I just say the words that float on my fingertips every single day....
What am I so afraid of?
If you don't risk your heart, will you ever truly find happiness?
I know I need to put myself on the line, but I'm so god damn afraid of losing of the purest friendships I have ever had...
It's so double edged, never say anything, and have this amazing friendship forever. Say something, and potentionally have the love I've been waiting for, say something and go back to feel damaged, broken, and unwanted....
What am I supposed to do?
Tell me the way. Set the path in stone, because I can't stand to be stuck in nuetral.
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| Monday, April 14th, 2008
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12:19 pm
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I'm feeling a bit melancholy today with my mom being gone after a wonderful two week visit.
I guess with everything going on with my health, it was really nice to have her HERE as I was leaving my Dr appointments.
Now it's back to the drawing board.
I'm not super excited about it, but it's going to force me to focus on what is most important right now, and that is me.
This summer will not be like the last.
It will not be filled with boy drama and heart breaks.
It will be filled with getting healthy and working my ass off to achieve my dreams.
The biggest issue I am having outside my health right now, is being truthful to others with my feelings. I guess it is something I've always struggled with. Ya know the whole "heart on sleeve" deal.
But I really feel like I need to start opening up and letting people know the places they hold and where they stand.
It's just terrifying to risk it all.
I feel like I've made a ton of strides by cutting out certain people from my life.
You would be amazed how much easier it is to get through your day when you don't have to worry about certain ex's lurking out your life.
And just for the record, since I'm going to go there.
I am not the one that is crazy in this situation, YOU ARE.
If you want to go through life stringing along girls, treating them like doormats and convincing them they are the issue, you can go ahead and do that. But when karma catches up to your pathetic, useless life, be sure to send me an IM to say "hey you were right all along, I AM A DOUCHEBAG"
In the meantime though, don't tell me to leave you alone, for a week later you to contact me.
I deleted you in every way possible, now how about you do as I ask and make that stick?
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| Monday, April 7th, 2008
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11:11 pm
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I will never forget the nerves I felt, driving in the middle of the night to see you, so we both didn't have to be bored and lonely, calling you, being outside, you getting in my car, that walk back to your apartment. I'll never forget the nerves I felt, sitting on the edge of your bed, you poking fun at how I could relax....getting me a glass of water and poking fun at how I should relax because I wouldn't even drink the water to move a single inch....how when you weren't looking, I was so nervous that when I took a sip of the water, I spilled it all over myself. Haha.
I felt so strange, it was like I was completely comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. I felt myself with you, but I felt like I didn't understand how to portray what I was feeling.
I remember the sun was coming up when we finally laid down to sleep.
I remember you making a comment that you wouldn't bite(and I remember thinking in my head "well why not") I remember you telling me to get closer, as you pulled me in and wrapped your arm around me.
I remember the butterflies I got in my stomach at that exact moment.
Thank god you couldn't feel the goosebumps because I would have been terribly embarrassed.
But, I remember, as you wrapped your arm around me, spooning, in a way that I had never felt before. So tight, so close, so comforted....I remember willing with god, please let him kiss me.
I remember repeating it in my head over and over again until I fell asleep.
I wouldn't call it a regret, but at this point in my life if I was given the chance to go back to one, single, moment...
It wouldn't be the last time I kissed my grandfather goodbye, not knowing it would be the most soild goodbye I'd ever say in my life, it wouldn't be the day I lay at my grandmothers bed side, as she took the last breaths of her life, it wouldn't be back to the night I got pregnant, or the day I lost my baby.
I would go back to that night, laying in your bed, with your arm around me, and instead of pleading with the forces that be, that you would kiss me, that I would have just let all my insecurities go and kiss you.
I wish I would have kissed you for all the times over the last eight years that I wished I did.
For all the times that the timing wasn't right, for all the times, that plans fell through...
I made a lot of mistakes in this friendship, and a lot of those mistakes were because of the feelings that I have harbored all of these years.
I regret the time we lost, due to my own immaturity over the stupidest thing.
And I've never been one to go out on limbs, but I had to write that email to apologize to you. And I could not be more glad of any decision I've ever made. Since that email over the last few months I feel like our friendship is making its way back to the way it used to be, and while I can't deny, I do have some very deep feelings for you still, I can't help but be over the moon about it.
What you are doing for me right now, standing behind me and helping me build my career, words will never be able to express my gratitude to you for it.
You are helping me take the steps I need to take to make my dreams come true, dreams that I need the utmost support in.
I feel as if I may be forever in your debt for this, that you've taken not only time out of your personal life, but that you have given me a piece of our friendship that I can cherish forever. And that as the years go by, I will always be able to look back at this and no you helped me start my dream, my passion, my biggest goal in life.
I don't know if you will ever read this, but I have to cling on to hope that you will. And that when and if you do, you will take it all as a form of flattery and well maybe something will come from it...
Even if it doesn't, I just want you to know how blessed I feel to have you back in my life.
You give it to me straight, whether it's going to hurt me or not. And sometimes, you really need a no bullshit friend like that. Someone that will come to you and tell you like it is, even if they know it's going to pour salt in your wounds. It shows me that you do care about me, that you do want what is best for me. Because you dont want to see me hurt myself.
I could go on forever about this, I could reminicnse about how I first contacted you, and how this all started eight years ago, but right now, I just need you to know how I feel and what I feel about you.
And for what it's worth, I know you will always be a nice guy, and it will always be the one sure shot thing that I love about you.
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| Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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9:55 am
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I don't know if this is really worth it, but deep down, after putting my heart in that email, and never hearing back for you I feel like I need to just put this out there.
It's likely, that you will never even read it, but I'm willing to take my chances.
I just need you to know I know that that the downfall of the frienship was MY fault, and I take full blame for the stupidty of my actions. I'm not telling you you have to forgive me, but I can't believe that you would be willing to throw away all the years we have under our belt over something so petty.
Yes, I made a mistake, yes I'm admitting it, and I'm publically apologizing for it.
I said mean, immatture, hurtful things. I get that.
I know it, and it was incredibly STUPID.
But just know, not a day goes by that I don't think of you, that I don't miss you, that I don't wish I could take it all back.
I don't care how mad you want to stay at me, or how long you want to keep it in the back of your mind, don't throw what we had away. Don't throw all those years of our lives, all those late night conversations, everything, don't throw it away, don't throw me away.
I'm sorry, I really am. I wish I could go back in time and take it all back.
Please, send me an email, an IM, a text message, leave me a comment, anything.
I just want to know that you are doing okay, I don't care if after that, you never want to let me back into your life.
Just let me know you are doing well.
I miss you.
I miss having the one guy in my life I can truly trust with anything.
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| Friday, April 6th, 2007
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4:56 pm - Hockey Rivalry
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Dear Islander Girl,
I would pay A LOT to get slapped by Henrik Lundqvist's stick.
A LOT.
Sidenote: Girl who got "spit" on by one of the players on the bench.
Are you kidding me?! You girls just got a two for and you are complaining about it?!
Quit your bitching because your gay ass team isn't making the playoffs.
Ask DiPietro how Jagr's slap shot is feeling!
Potvin Sucks!
The end.
Sincerely,
Leanne Mayer-New York Rangers Fan
In all fucking honesty, if I am in my zone, and I'm trying to stay solid for my team, don't fucking come at me with a squeegee. This is how Lundqvist plays his game. It's how he has ALWAYS played his game. Just because you Islander fans can't stay interested in your shitty game without some girls coming out to clean the ice, that ain't the NHL's problem.
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| Monday, March 19th, 2007
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1:29 pm
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It's almost disturbing the level in which I feel people disappoint me.
And when I say people, I mean my family and my closest friends.
You would think that after years and years of it, it would ease up a little. It never does.
I will no longer put anyone before myself.
I will no longer focus my energy on anyone that isn't myself, or someone I consider a best friend.
Those people, the very LIMITED few I have, they know who they are because over the last five weeks they have been there for me.
They didn't move across the country and promise to call and never did.
They didn't make it seem like I mattered to them, and move on, without me in their lives.
They didn't rely on me to be their rock, and give me nothing in return.
I have to stop needing people to need me.
It's too emotionally draining.
Some days I feel like, maybe I'm the problem. Maybe it isn't just how I appear to people, maybe it's how I treat people.
But you know what, people like Jenn, Kris, and Jackie don't seem to have a problem.
They seem to genuinely appreciate having me in their lives.
So maybe I just keep feeling this need to rescue people from themselves.
And in the process some how it depletes my bank account and my heart.
Jenn said to me the other day in a tmail "why can everyone else find someone but we can't? why is it disappointment after disappointment? we need to stop falling for the lies. maybe we need to stop believing in the best in people that way we wont be so disappointed when things dont work out"
And I couldn't agree with her more.
If I don't let anyone in to disappoint me and let me down, then I can't wind up continuing this vicious cycle.
I need to stop giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I mean in all honesty, there are a lot of people that will eventually read this, people that I've time after time again gone out of my way to do things for. To make them feel loved. To make them feel cared for. And everytime I do so, I wind up hurt.
No one is more important to me than me from now on.
I'm sick of friends treating me like their life is more important than mine, I'm sick of boys feeding me lines and leaving me with a broken heart, I'm sick of never being good enough for my family, my father in particular.
Call it selfish, call it arrogant, call it whatever you wish.
I've lived my entire life for others. It's about time I started living for myself. Knowing I don't need ANYONE to help me do so.
I have what I have, and it's a tiny bit of the biggest piece of happiness I've found in my life.
I have AMAZING friends and it's enough. They're enough.
Here I am at the edge of the road
One hand on the end of the rope
One crack and it breaks alone
Wondering whose gonna take me home
On my knees when you call my bluff
Begging please from the edge of the rough
And I know I've had enough, and I know it, and I know it
current mood:  disappointed
current music: mat kearney - wait
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| Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007
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4:26 pm
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I know you come back here, and I know it gives you some sort of gratification to lurk out my life.
I'm okay with that, because let's face it, maybe we are both in the same boat, and maybe we both heal the same way.
One can take a lot from a really shitty year(or in my case, a really shitty few years).
But I think what I will take with me the most from 2006 was what I learned about myself.
I don't need to fit in with any of you. I don't need for anyone to give me big ups on scene points, I don't need your acceptance, and I sure as fuck don't need your attention hungry company.
I've learned to be my own person.
For so many years I tried to mold myself to be what everyone wanted. I was searching so god damn hard for acceptance in others, that I found it within myself.
I don't care what anyone thinks of the decisions I make, how I look, or how I choose to lead my life.
Unless those things directly affect you, in your daily life, than it is none of your fucking concern.
I've learned that I have true, heartfelt, valued friendship in very few people.
But these few people, are the most loving, caring, amazing people I have ever met in my life.
They know who they are, and they know how I feel about them, because I let them know.
This is the difference between me, and the new crowd, and me and the old crowd.
The old crowd found any way possible to take advantage of situations, hell they found ways to take advantage of my life in all aspects.
These last few months have taught me so much about value, about heart, about what it really means to love.
People are going to wonder why they stop hearing from me this year, and it's pretty simple, it's because I know longer need people using me.
I don't need the battles for friendships anymore.
There is not much in life that I find worth fighting for anymore.
I think the biggest thing I will be taking from this year, came to me on new years eve, while amongst a group of people who will always treat me like an aquaintance, that there are certain people in your life that will always be out to get something from you.
That life to them will always be a take/take situation.
That unless you stand up for yourself, you will always be living in someone elses shadow.
That no matter how hard I try, and no matter how far I have come, losing our child will always be a piece of me. That not all obstacles are overcome.
That there are some things in life, that you will never get over.
It's the learning to accept that that helps you start living again.
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| Friday, November 24th, 2006
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5:09 pm - I can dish it out
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I felt the need to come back, to read, just to see how long it has been since the last time you told me you were dying.
I'm the furthest thing from heartless, but everyone has their boundaries.
Those have been exceded over the last five years.
I don't have to always be the parent of the situation because I am the oldest, everyone is an adult now.
I feel myself falling into old habits, a part of it scares me and a part of it is comforting.
Sometimes you just miss comfort.
When negativity takes up so much of your life you have to find something to love and cherish it.
For me, that is brandnew.
I'm trying to move passed the fact that I ever found what I thought was love, that I almost had a child, that I almost made the biggest mistake of my life.
The past is in the past for a reason.
For years I've continually made it a part of my present without even really understanding how I did so.
It was just so basic for me.
I'm a better person now. I'm honest with myself, as much as I can be without hating myself.
I'm not making excuses for people and their actions.
I'm learning who I am and learning to not fear expressing it.
Over these last few months I've made changes, some easy, some hard and I'm watching these changes start to effect basic life and it's rewarding.
I don't really care about how anyone feels about me anymore.
You don't like the way I appear, fuck off.
You don't like my point of view, fuck off.
You don't like how I've changed, fuck off.
It's pretty simple, you see the pattern?
I don't care anymore.
I'm not going out of my way for people who don't go out of their way for me.
I've gained some amazing people over the last year. People that I now can proudly call some of my best friends.
Some of you, you've fallen short. I won't judge you on it. People change. It's a part of life. But don't expect me to turn my life around to the way it used to be.
Despite several things that I'm not happy about, life is pretty good right now.
I'm thankful for that.
current mood:  rejuvenated
current music: brand new- degausser
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, September 22nd, 2006
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4:42 pm
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I'm so fed up with being your emotional punching bag.
My feelings are not your stomping ground.
I'm fed the fuck up with men, and how inconceivably naive they are.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
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9:46 am
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It's simple really, I'm done playing games and having reasons to keep you in my life.
Starting over is a hell of a lot easier then being able to look back at the last 3 years of lies.
I'm done with confrontation, I'm done with drawn out arguments, I'm done with pretending.
The fact that you still come here to "check up" on my life is complete fucking bullshit.
My life is none of your concern.
I can count on one hand the people I trust anymore.
I can count on one hand the people I can rely on to be there for me.
I'm starting over. I'm sick of taking steps back and accepting apologies and bringing people back into my life.
You never deserved me and you never will.
The end.
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| Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
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12:33 pm
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Recently, more over the last year or so, I've come to realize that I've grown out of basic daily instances of dealing with most people that have become a big part of my life.
Life is an experience, one that you should take things from.
The good and the bad.
This year has brought about so much change.
I've seen things, I've lived things, and I've learned...nothing, absolutely fucking NOTHING, is what it appears to be.
Sugar coating.
We are all guilty of it.
Thing of it all is, some of you are so god damn fucking jaded that you don't even realize, you sugar coat your life to phase out reality.
Hate to burst your bubble, but eventually all this shit is going to fucking come back and slap you in the fucking face.
I hope I'm invited to that event.
With camera in hand.
Flashing in your face as the shit beats some sense into you.
I thought it was funny months ago, the lines, the drama, the endless questioning of what is real and what is lies.
Thing is, what I have should have been doing is listening to everyone else for once.
The right ones, with clear heads and outside views.
You use, you lie, and you betray.
The only thing left for you to do is fade away.
I could give a fuck who I offend, who I piss off and who has to say what about any of this.
I need to do some revising.
You're at the top of that list.
My own personal..."Shit List".
Kudos to you.
Thanks for helping me waste years of my life.
Give yourself a good ole pat on the back.
You earned this one, asshole.
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| Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
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5:39 pm - If you think it is personal
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You're damn right it is.
Why wouldn't it be?
I'm sick of biting my tongue.
I won't hide behind this. I won't back down either.
Taking advantage of someone's weakness is cowardice.
What goes around comes around.
Karma is a fucking bitch.
Listen up.
Oh, and come on baby take what I'm givin
Stop messin around and quit bringing me down
You better take it while you can get it
Cause I won't hang around
If you're holding me down
I don't want to be the one to regret it
When you hit the ground
I'm not holdin you down
If you don't take it now then forget it
Stop messin around and quit bringing me down
current mood: disappointed
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| Friday, May 19th, 2006
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10:49 am
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Will I land and come down from the clouds
Put my feet back on the ground
And step out of this dream?
Home seems so far away
From where I am today
And I don’t care what people say
I’m just living day to day
current music: wes hutchinson - stoned beautiful
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sumgrlzrkrazie's journal